When you don’t feel good physically…it can be hard to think…or at least think clearly. It’s hard to focus and follow through. It’s hard to put two coherent thoughts together…thus some random thoughts. Perhaps it’s because I’ve had so many ideas I’ve wanted to write down this week…but haven’t done so.

You can tell it’s been a slow news cycle the last few weeks…with all the news channels focusing the bulk of each hour on the Anna Nicole Smith story and before that on the astronaut that went crazy. Disasters of a personal nature…but not something effecting the nation or the world.

Yet…I can’t help but think with all the voyeuristic coverage of Ms. Smith…what does this obsession reflect about our nation…our values? What does it say about what we esteem? It’s not good. It reminds me of Romans 1 where Paul warns us that God has given sinful man over to their degrading sinful desires.

More than seeing Anna Nicole as a victim…or her death as a tragedy I see it as someone who wasted their entire life and whose death has become nothing more than nightly entertainment until the next big new story bumps this circus off the TV screens of American. She spent her life in pursuit of that which was base, degrading and that which leads people further into sin and it continues to be inflicted upon our society even after her death. She did not seek after that which is good, holy, righteous, pure and of eternal value. Precisely because she wasted her life…spent it on nothing of eternal value that her life and death were a tragedy.

I should examine myself and ask in what areas do I waste my life, my thoughts, my time, my resources, pursing that which is frivolous instead of that which is of eternal value?

I can only pray for God’s mercy upon her child. That He will intervene and place her in the arms of a loving mother and father who know God and will raise her in a godly environment.

That’s not to say that Anna Nicole was beyond redemption. Because God desires that none of us perish, but all come to repentance. The problem is…we don’t know when our end will be. Will it be at the ripe of age of 89 after living it up…but repenting in the end? Or will it be at the age of 39 with no warning of impending death…and no time to repent?

Her death story is kind of being played out like she lived her life.

The one thing this story has done…it’s made me turn off the news. Normally I have Fox News on in the evening. But with this non-stop coverage of an irrelevant story…I escape by turning off the TV and doing anything but watch TV. There is not a lot on TV these days that will not offend. So the better option is the off button.

When driving in my car…I’m normally playing a CD from one of my beloved former Pastor Chuck Obremski’s teaching series. Right now…it’s 1^st and 2^nd Thessalonians. Even though he’s been gone for soon to be eighteen months…in some respects it feels like he’s quite near since I hear him preach every day. It’s wonderful, wonderful teaching. Not something that tickles my ears or builds up my self esteem. In fact there is many a time that I feel the strong conviction of the Holy Spirit when the Word of God is presented in a bold, non negotiable manner. It doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room…and when I measure my thoughts, words and actions against God’s Word…I realize I have ever so far to go. I’m even more grateful that I have the grace and forgiveness of Jesus Christ sacrificial death and resurrection resting upon me.

Through the study of God's Holy Word and through the teaching of His humble servants, Bible Study Fellowship, Chuck Obremski, Charles Stanley, Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore…God continues to work on my heart…and sanctifying me this side of heaven.

Some insights this week as I have a listening ear towards God. Now this will sound terrible coming from a Christian. But I struggle with comprehending or believing that God loves me. Loves me personally. I know what the Word of God says. Intellectually believe it…but it hasn’t worked its way into my heart. I know that “God so loved the world”…but have a hard time making the transition to “God so loved Susan”.

Having a hard time believing that God loves me personally makes it hard to trust God. I’m getting better…I’ve improved. But still have a ways to go…it’s a learning game. It's also faith...and I just need to make that leap and believe. Will I?

Also part of this week’s lesson was the realization that I work too hard because I substitute work for relationships. I wonder how much of that is out of insecurity. Feeling like I need to earn or prove my worth…by turning in a good performance. Without doing so…I’m not worthy or lovable. Not loveable to people or to God. So what has all that effort got me? Not a lot in the end.

Does that mean that starting tomorrow...I’ll become a slacker? No…that’s not going to happen. It’s not in my nature. However…I do hope that it will translate into a more balanced life. Work more on the personal side of life…and keep work in perspective.

I’ve got a long way to go…but thankfully God is not through with me just yet.

Tonight’s Friday night…and that means it’s time for “What Not to Wear”. Love that show. I watch it…and wonder “Now what would Stacy and Clinton have to say about what I’m wearing? What would Nick do with my hair?” Sometimes I think of folks I’d like to nominate for the show…but gee wiz…wouldn’t that be an insult if your friends nominated you? Yeah…that would be a bit awkward now, wouldn’t it?