There are days…I’m feeling right fine about myself....but when I read the Word of God…well let’s just say the Holy Spirit is working overtime…doing some conviction. Not condemnation mind you…no that’s the work of Satan. But conviction…that’s something else.

It’s kind of like that internal pressure that nudges me to repentance and obedience.

This year I’m studying the book of Romans in BSF. I just love it…it’s my second time around and Romans is my very favorite book of the Bible. This last week we studied chapter 12:9-21. This passage talks a lot about love, walking in love and not seeking retribution on your enemies.

Not that I have an abundance of enemies…but I think it’s rather hard to get through this life without ruffling a few feather along the way. Sometimes intentionally and sometimes not.

I found this passage to be a most helpful reminder on how I am to act toward people whom I may not like. As a Christian…I’m called upon to die to self. That means laying down my grudge or rights and acting how God calls me to act towards them.

How should I act toward my enemies? God calls me to do good unto my enemies. Not only do good…but bless them too. He affirms that in His perfect timing, if He deems it necessary, He will avenge wrongs.

The question is…am I going to trust God and take Him at His word? What will be a sign that I’m trusting God? It will be my obedience to His commands.

So how might I bless my enemies? One of the first things that comes to mind is to pray for them. For their salvation and for God help them, guide them and direct them when they are having difficulties. Praying for someone’s salvation…even for your enemy is easy in comparison to blessing them. Sometimes that might mean acting in a kind way as you would towards a friend. It might be praying that God would bless them…and help them to get that promotion or find a husband or take a much needed restful vacation.

Trusting God…is what makes the difference. Having that eternal perspective instead of getting caught up with what’s happening down here on earth.

Perhaps as I do good to my enemies…God will work in each of our lives and make a friend out of an enemy. Friends are much easier to forgive…and I’m happy when God blesses my friends…and I don’t anxiously await their judgment.

Recently…God showed me the fruits of restraint. A while back…after walking though the door…an individual walked several feet away from me and proceeded to make a nasty remark about me. Not discretely or in whispered tones to a friend…but instead quite loudly to an audience. While flummoxed, hurt and angry inside…I chose to ignore it and move on. As I continued to interact with this person…I made sure that I treated them considerately. Little did I know how right that choice was. After the passing a beloved relative…God opened the door for me to interact with them. I was able to be genuinely caring and offer a kind word. Now if I had reacted like I had wanted to when originally offended…I would have destroyed any chance for peaceful interaction in the future.

I stand in awe and I’m amazed. Folks…we’re talking that each of us as individuals (especially as Pastors who are leading the body of Christ) has the opportunity to dig in, read and study the very word of God. Do you get it? The Creator of the universe gave us a vital, powerful message that He wants to share with each of us. We can know Him through His word. And we want to save time?

Today we have Pastors that want to “save time” from studying the word of God? They want the cliff notes version of the Bible? Or maybe the Reader’s Digest version?

Think about the person whom you love most in the whole entire world. The person for whom you would die if need be. Do you think you’d be thinking of clever things so that you wouldn’t have to spend too much time with them? Talking, listening or just being together? Or would you treasure each and every moment you get to spend with the wonderful person?

"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.’ "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live." – Luke 10:26-28

How exactly does seeking to spend less time in the word of God demonstrate that we love God?

Was Jesus Christ thinking about saving time when hung on the cross? Or was he thinking how much He loves us…so much so that He was willing to endure excruciating pain, suffering and humiliation. The rejection and separation from God the Father because He bore our sins so that we might be saved? Do you think Jesus is thinking about how He can save time and not work so hard or is He preparing a place for us in heaven where we will dwell with Him for eternity?

“In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." – John 14:2-4

Maybe instead we ought to approach it a little different. How about thinking what we can cut out of our schedule so that we might be able to spend more time with God in His word, in prayer and in fellowship with other believers?

When we get to heaven…and look back our life…do you think we’ll regret the opportunities that we missed to spend time with God and serving His kingdom here on earth? Or will we be thinking about the TV show that we missed and who won the latest contest?

Are we going through life with an eternal perspective…or a temporal perspective?

Tell me…can you imagine the Apostle Peter hitting John up for a copy of his latest sermon? “Hey John, what’s that…is that your message you preached last Sunday? Do you mind if I get a copy. I’ve got a busy week ahead and I’d like to save some time.”

The Apostles, Paul and the early followers of Jesus Christ had a burning passion and desire to preach and teach the word of God. Of Jesus Christ and Him crucified. These men lived with Jesus for three years as He went around performing miracles and changing lives. They saw an innocent man crucified on the cross…and three days later He is raised from the dead. What they saw transformed them from men who scattered when their leader was taken to be crucified into men who where willing to go to their own brutal deaths because of their faith. They had a burning passionate desire for God.

What about you? Is your flame burning bright and lighting up the world around you…or is it flickering and ready to be extinguished in the slightest breeze?

Last night after I had written down my thoughts about Pastors using a “sermon in a box” I wondered if people reading it would think I was too harsh on Pastors. After all they hold a position with heavy demands and many burdens.

Yet…I was reminded of the scripture that tell us that Pastors and Teachers will be held to a stricter accountability. In fact James said…not too many people would want the job just because of that judgment and scrutiny that Pastors will undergo by God.

“Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.” – James 3:1

I wonder…how much we don’t challenge our Pastors, Teachers and church leaders when they veer from the Bible. It’s not uncommon for Christians to think that they can not judge another person because the Bible cautions us about standing in judgment of others.

But what I wonder…how much do we cut them slack because we don’t want ourselves held to the high standards of the Bible? Because we ourselves don’t spend serious time reading and studying the Bible? How many of us today would consider ourselves like the Bereans?

How many of us sitting in church pew each Sunday are satisfied with the watered down gospel? That way we don’t have to feel convicted as we live in our own sin. The fact that I might be living with someone outside of marriage…please don’t look at that because we love each other or are committed to one another. Or maybe I’m not declaring money I’ve earn under the table on my taxes…and I feel justified because the government already takes out too much in taxes. Or maybe I’m thinking I’m not so bad. I’m not engaged in sexual sin outside of marriage and I don’t cheat the government by not paying what I the law requires. About the worst thing I do is a “little gossip” with Tammy Sue. But don’t worry…she won’t tell a soul.

Perhaps I am satisfied with the feel good 20 minute sermons that assure me that I am special and loved by God and He doesn’t want me to suffer, or be poor and that all I have to do is ask…and He’ll give me what I want.

“For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” – 2 Timothy 4:3

Those feel good sermons don’t hold my actions up against the Word of God…that non negotiable standard to which are all accountable. I can walk out of church after hearing a feel good sermon, feel good about myself and be blinded to the fact I’m living in sin. Or turn down the volume on the voice of the Holy Spirit convicting me of sin.

Instead we need Pastors that teach according to the word of God, who are more concerned that their teaching be pleasing to the Lord (to whom they will give an account) than the person sitting in the pew. They will likely throw out a few barbs that will stick and sting as they rest upon the sinner or the saint hearing the truth from God’s Word. Those barbs will dig deep as they fall upon the person living their life in contractions to God’s Word.

“We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness.” – Hebrews 5:11-13

If God struck Uzzah dead when he reached out his hand to steady the ark because he violated God’s word and instructions, how will He treat us who disregard the Word of God?

When reading Janna’s post at Bread Crumb’s I was reminded about a topic that is near and dear to my heart. Janna addresses the growing trend in Christianity today that encourages Pastors to plagiarize sermons.

I call it the dumbing down of the Gospel message. Inherent in this latest trend is the soft selling of the Gospel. Making it seeker friendly, not wanting to offend people by telling them they are a sinner and bound for hell. But that God has provided the free gift of salvation through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ…that they can be saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ.

My church continues its quest to find a Sr. Pastor, following the death of our beloved Pastor Chuck Obremski…a Bible believing, no holds barred preaching, teaching, no nonsense kind of Pastor.

It is with fear and trembling that I wait to see whom God has called to be the man who will lead our church in the coming years. However, because our search committee and elders are committed to finding the man whom God has called, I am filled with peace and I’m trusting and waiting on the process and God’s perfect timing.

Since I have been most blessed to sit under some awesome Bible study teachers…I’ve been spoiled. As such…when I hear a sermon without much scripture and one that is shallow and without much substance…I find myself spiritually hungry. Kind of like when you each Chinese food…you are hungry shortly thereafter. These sermons don’t feed my spirit.

Please check out Janna’s post “It Can't Be Plagiarism, Can It?” and be sure to watch the video on You Tube which raised Janna’s concern over this important and dangerous trend in the church today.

Below are my comments left in response to Janna’s post.

Dear Janna,

I think you hit the nail right on the head. Instead I fear the problem is far greater than the wrong act of plagiarism. Instead I believe to some degree it may stem from Biblical illiteracy. The prepackaged sermons seem rather hollow. It's sad that a Pastor would depend on a "sermon in a box" rather than invest the time to study and trust the Holy Spirit to lead him, guide him and direct his preaching and teaching.

I'm sure that you as writer have experienced dry spells. Pastors may as well. In part we may see more of this trend because a lot of churches don't teach book by book through the Bible. Instead they do the topical sermons.

This is an important topic. Your willingness to examine the Christian community from within is very commendable.

I'm always challenged and grow by reading your posts.

I never know from week to week what a visit to my mom will entail. She’s 85 years old and has Alzheimer’s. From all appearances…I’d say she is in the later stages of this wretched ugly disease. But it’s been a long time…and there is no end in sight. Not for her and not for me. There are times I’m positively weary from this awful disease.

It seems like all I see is the disease and not my mom.

Alzheimer’s robs human beings of every ounce of self and of dignity that they have. I guess the one merciful thing is that Gayle is blissfully ignorant, unaware and undisturbed by her current state. As she aged and before she was diagnosed she was terrified of getting Alzheimer’s. Her sister died of it…so she knew first hand the ugliness of Alzheimer’s.

I hate Alzheimer’s for what it’s done to my mother and what it’s done to me. What it’s made me feel…and how sometimes I feel nothing. At times I feel calloused and hard hearted just so I can get through this mess without loosing my sanity.

For my brothers…it’s as if my mom rode off into the sunset to die. A nice peaceful, painless and easy death. They haven’t been here for the last five years and haven’t seen just how ugly it can get. They haven’t seen her for over 5 years. They don’t call her, they don’t send her cards or letters. Christmas comes, her birthday, Mother’s Day, Easter…and there is nothing…only silence. It’s almost as if she’s already dead or never existed at all.

Here she is at the end of her life…and going through what she feared the most and they are no where to be found.

While I’ve known that what they are doing is wrong…a friend put it in perspective when she said that she couldn’t imagine that at the end of her life her children wouldn’t be there for her. Stephanie is a young mom of two toddlers…and she lives for those children. Each day brings another story of learning or discovery as her precious little ones grow up. Stephanie and Greg’s lives are centered around their children…they give them so much…love and time and sacrifice for these little ones who are the apples of their eyes.

There once was a day…when Mike and Pat were the apple of my mother’s eye. When they were the center of her life…when her days were filled with delight as she watched these young boys grow. So what happened that would make them turn their back on their mom? I don’t have that answer…I just know I struggle with carrying this burden.

In some respects this may be God’s hand of protection on my mom…keeping people who would not be good for her away. But I find it hard to believe that they don’t even send a token card or letter now and again. But I guess if they did that…they would be reminded she still alive…and they would have to deal with that. I just don’t understand.

Mostly I hate the way Alzheimer’s makes me feel. There are times…I want to walk away from that place and never go back. I regularly pray that God will be merciful and let her pass away peacefully in her sleep.

Any memories of good times are so dwarfed by the last six or seven years…or maybe more. You see Gayle was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 5 ½ years ago…but looking back you can see the signs that were misread as someone just getting quirky in their old age.

Well it wasn’t quirky…it was a disease that causes a plaque to build up in the brain and it interferes with thinking and memory among other things. When driving down the street I can point to place after place that holds bad memories. Places Gayle and I visited when the Alzheimer’s was taking over her brain more and more and causing her to behave irrationally. Going places became difficult at best and embarrassing at worst.

A couple weeks ago I went to see my mom and found her sitting in the activity room nodding off. I went to awaken her so we could spend some time together and watch our Sunday movie. When she woke up she was quite adamant that she didn’t want to see me. It had already been a bad day…so this was just icing on the cake. Some of the newer resident’s in the Alzheimer’s unit are in the earlier stages and more rational. The lady sitting next to Gayle told her, “You should go with her. Some of us don’t have anyone that comes to see us. You are lucky.” But Gayle would not be dissuaded.

I thought that being rejected was bad. But I discovered on my next visit…I’ll take rejection any day of the week over what happened next. I don’t want to go into the ugly details and bring embarrassment or shame to my mom. But let it suffice that Alzheimer’s robs human beings of every ounce of dignity that they have.

I walked away that Sunday and felt shell shocked. I needed to decompress. I was emotionally numb for a couple of days. While I knew that God carried me through that day…I wanted to put up a wall. I didn’t go to Bible study the next night because I just wanted some space. I wasn’t in the mood to read my latest book by Beth Moore. Instead I opted for something a little lighter in the form of Christian fiction.

I kind of felt like Elijah whom God cared for when he was overwhelmed, depressed and afraid. God nurtured me during that time. God likes to use people. He used the heartfelt prayers of friends…and an encouraging card to help build up my spirit. Or listening to sermon that God in His perfect timing brought my way. I also found encouragement from the movie “Facing the Giants”.

I feel like I’m facing my own giants. At times they feel quite daunting…even bigger than Goliath. I want to slay these giants…giants of aloneness, solitude, lack of faith, hurt, bitterness, anger, confusion, bad memories and so much more. These are not giants that will fall by my own frail, feeble efforts. But instead I need to invite God into this battle and seek Him, trust Him, obey Him and be filled with His word. These giants are much too big for me...but not for Him. That means I’m a candidate for a miracle. Whether it sustaining power in overwhelming circumstances….or deliverance through a situation….I need God in my circumstances.

When coming face to face with the normal things in life…like being around someone who irritates me…or encountering some whom I just plain don’t like…lately God has been convicting me. He’s been using it as an opportunity to remind me…that when I feel that way towards someone…it’s my reminder that I need to be in prayer for them. First and foremost for their salvation. Also that they may have the peace and joy that comes in knowing Jesus Christ no matter what their circumstances are.

I guess I have to ask myself…do I walk in that peace and joy of knowing Christ? Of knowing my salvation is secure? Of having the power and presence of the Holy Spirit within me? Or do I walk around negative and defeated…and a poor advertisement for Christianity?

God uses all sorts of thing in our lives to bring His message to us. Sometimes it’s reading scripture from the Bible, sometimes it’s hearing a sermon, or a conversation…or lyrics from a song.

I love finding new singers or groups. When I do so…I feel like I have found a treasure and enjoy exploring their work. So I was intrigued last Saturday following the Women’s Retreat at Kindred Community Church when one of our worship leaders Kristal told me about one of her favorite singers. Kristal was excited as she told me about Chris Rice and his interesting and quirky songs. She knows them well and as she shared about his songs…I could hardly wait to investigate further. Kristal and I both have a love for Steven Curtis Chapman’s work and Greater Vision…so I trust her judgment.

After listening to a song or two on I-Tunes…my only decision was on which album to download…not should I. I decided to go with Chris Rice’s album “Amusing”. Indeed Kristal’s description was true…his songs are unusual…quirky, thoughtful and fun. When I listen to his songs…they fire my imagination…and I find my thoughts are in motion.

Driving home today from my weekly errands I was listening to “The Final Move” from the “Amusing” CD…and thinking. Chris Rice…sings a lot about love…thus I started thinking about love. About romantic love…and a higher love…the love of God. God desires that we love Him with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. He also commands us to love others. To love others…it is to put them above myself.

To put someone above myself…means that instead of being hurt that someone doesn’t love me in return…I’m more concerned over the fact that he doesn’t have a saving faith in Jesus Christ. So instead of feeling sorry for myself that he doesn’t love me…how about every time I think of him…to instead turn that into a prayer for his salvation.

As much as I love others…God loves them even more. He desires that all would repent and come to a saving faith in Jesus Christ. As a Christian…shouldn’t I desire the same? For those I love and even those I don’t like too much…God desires that I show love to them.

“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it (it pays no attention to a suffered wrong). It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything (without weakening).” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Amplified Bible

I’ve spent the better part of my life solely trusting my feelings…looking back on circumstances that didn’t turn out quite like I had planned or hoped…and believing that’s how it would always be.

I’m tired of living like that…that’s it…no more. I’m drawing a line in the sand. No more circumstantial living. I want a close, personal, intimate relationship with the God who created me, my Savior who perished on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins, and the Holy Spirit Who dwells within me.

In the past year…when circumstances didn’t go my way…when my emotions were all over the board…God continued to impress upon me scripture verses that helped me to put my hope in God. To trust Him despite what was happening in my life. To know that my God is faithful and He is able, more than able to accomplish any and all things that concern me, now and forevermore.

So I probably look like a crazy person to the outside observer…to the one who does not know God. Maybe I am…but not about this. Because I tell you…I will stand firm, consecrate myself and see the Lord’s deliverance. I will look to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who will prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

2 Chronicles 20:17 was the first scripture that God gave me last year about time. I’ve clung to it through the ups and downs in the past year.

“You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you." – 2 Chronicles 20:17

Joshua 3:5 was the scripture that God gave me as the New Year began. It encouraged my heart, mind soul and spirit and helped me to put my trust in God…not my circumstances. Despite all appearances…my God is faithful and He is working all things together for good for those who love Him and have been called according to His purposes.

Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you." – Joshua 3:5

In the face of recent defeat…that resurrected feelings of failure God gave me Psalm 23:5 to remind me that in His perfect timing He will not only deliver me…but do so in the presence of my enemies.

Psalm 23:5
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

How, when and where this amazing deliverance will occur I don’t rightly know. It will likely be in manner I never anticipated, long after I felt like I could endure no longer and when I feel at my lowest and surrounded by enemies.

Just like Lazarus who laid three days in the tomb…this girl is starting to stink. But watch out…Sunday’s coming and I shall see my deliverance. One day …shall see my Savior and my Deliverer face to face. Praise God!

As I stood in line at El Polo Loco the sight of two guys praying before their meal really stood out. Not something I see at most restaurants…especially with guys. Unless of course it’s a men’s Bible study or prayer group. It was so refreshing...seeing godly men bow their head and give thanks to their Lord on a normal day, in a regular place.

Seeing these men praying got me thinking about prayer. Sometimes I really struggle when it comes to prayer. I struggle with praying regularly…and sometimes with what exactly to pray about. I’m sure to some degree this stems back to the fact when I was growing up…the Bible, prayer and church were not part of my family’s life.

Now as a grown up…it’s an area I find most challenging. In thinking about prayer…it’s talking to God…a conversation. One of talking, listening and sometimes just being together, but silent.

When I know a person really well…talking to them is not a struggle…it comes with ease. When I see them…I desire to sit down and talk or when I think about them…I want to pick up the phone and call. When it’s someone I like and respect…have a relationship with…I don’t have to think about what I’ll talk about or how to phrase things. It comes naturally. When I know someone well…I know what will tickle their fancy or make them laugh…or even get their dander up. It flows…its smooth…its give and take.

It would be ludicrous to think I’m good friends with someone, or know them well, if I don’t talk to them. I’d be fooling myself.

Shouldn’t that be kind of what it’s like with God? The more I know Him, the more I have a personal relationship with Him…won’t my prayer life, my conversation with God become more natural? I’ll desire too talk to Him more and more?

Satan is the one and only person whom we can tell, “Go to hell” and have it be alright.

After a round of attacks that have seemed relentless in the recent past, despite the fact I knew full well…they were attacks of the enemy…I’ve been feeling discouraged and overwhelmed…down and out. At times the attacks are blatantly obvious…so much so I find myself laughing.

I don’t understand all the whys and wherefores on why God has permitted these attacks and has continued to leave situations unchanged despite much prayer. At this point my desire is that God will reveal what He would have me to learn. That I will have an ear to hear and an open and teachable spirit and learn whatever lessons God would have me to learn.

One of the ongoing themes of my life has been forgiveness. Forgiveness for those who have hurt me…both intentionally and unintentionally. Hurt is part of the human experience…it is certainly not exclusive to me. While personal…my experiences are not unique. I make progress and think I’ve forgiven…and then something comes up which brings up the hurt all over again. I think I need to adopt Corrie Ten Boom’s words. When she was reminded of an offense she responded, “I distinctly remember forgetting that.”

Yesterday when pondering hurt and forgiveness…God impressed upon me in no uncertain terms, “Susan you need to forgive this person.” When I think about the offense or replay the hurt in my mind…I can feel the stress in my body. I realize it’s not worth it. I’m the one suffering and feeling bad by not forgiving. They don’t care, they’ve moved on. Isn’t it about time I do the same? Continually replaying an offensive in an ongoing loop…does no good whatsoever.

I need to forgive…because it is the will and command of God that I do so.

I think we are all familiar how God uses tests to help us learn and grow. We pass a test, we grow and God uses it to help prepare us for the next test. To help grow us more and more into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. This side of heaven…I’m a long way off…but that doesn’t stop God from using the buffeting process that He is so fond of.

When pondering this forgiveness thing…the thought came to mind, “Oh crimoneny…all this may just be a test and practice so that I will be able to easily forgive a bigger offense that is coming down the road!”

If that’s the case…then I guess I’d better get in practice…quickly. Forgive and forget…move on.

Part of that means not replaying a hurt over and over in my mind. All that does is serve to feed hurt feelings and justifies feelings of unforgiveness.

It also means that I must entrust any and all offenses and wrong doing into the hand of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…Who is just, righteous and perfect. If He deems it just and right at the appropriate time for consequences or punishment…then so be it. If He deems it His will…good, right and just to forgive their sins…then so be it. It needs to lie in His hands, not mine.

Those same hands…that bore nails on the cross putting to death my sins…also paid the price for the sins of those who have offended me. Can I not forgive those whom God Himself has forgiven? Should I stand in the place of God? May it never be.

There is but one who desires me to remain in unforgiveness. That defeated foe…the one who wants me to walk around and live a miserable life. Doubting God and His love for me. Doubting His ability to protect and defend me. Doubting His will for me and my life. Doubting His goodness, righteousness and justice.

Satan is going to hell…and while he may not be able to take me there since I am sealed for the day of redemption…Satan desires to make my life hell here on earth for as long as he can. The question is…will I choose to let him do so? May it never be.

When you don’t feel good physically…it can be hard to think…or at least think clearly. It’s hard to focus and follow through. It’s hard to put two coherent thoughts together…thus some random thoughts. Perhaps it’s because I’ve had so many ideas I’ve wanted to write down this week…but haven’t done so.

You can tell it’s been a slow news cycle the last few weeks…with all the news channels focusing the bulk of each hour on the Anna Nicole Smith story and before that on the astronaut that went crazy. Disasters of a personal nature…but not something effecting the nation or the world.

Yet…I can’t help but think with all the voyeuristic coverage of Ms. Smith…what does this obsession reflect about our nation…our values? What does it say about what we esteem? It’s not good. It reminds me of Romans 1 where Paul warns us that God has given sinful man over to their degrading sinful desires.

More than seeing Anna Nicole as a victim…or her death as a tragedy I see it as someone who wasted their entire life and whose death has become nothing more than nightly entertainment until the next big new story bumps this circus off the TV screens of American. She spent her life in pursuit of that which was base, degrading and that which leads people further into sin and it continues to be inflicted upon our society even after her death. She did not seek after that which is good, holy, righteous, pure and of eternal value. Precisely because she wasted her life…spent it on nothing of eternal value that her life and death were a tragedy.

I should examine myself and ask in what areas do I waste my life, my thoughts, my time, my resources, pursing that which is frivolous instead of that which is of eternal value?

I can only pray for God’s mercy upon her child. That He will intervene and place her in the arms of a loving mother and father who know God and will raise her in a godly environment.

That’s not to say that Anna Nicole was beyond redemption. Because God desires that none of us perish, but all come to repentance. The problem is…we don’t know when our end will be. Will it be at the ripe of age of 89 after living it up…but repenting in the end? Or will it be at the age of 39 with no warning of impending death…and no time to repent?

Her death story is kind of being played out like she lived her life.

The one thing this story has done…it’s made me turn off the news. Normally I have Fox News on in the evening. But with this non-stop coverage of an irrelevant story…I escape by turning off the TV and doing anything but watch TV. There is not a lot on TV these days that will not offend. So the better option is the off button.

When driving in my car…I’m normally playing a CD from one of my beloved former Pastor Chuck Obremski’s teaching series. Right now…it’s 1^st and 2^nd Thessalonians. Even though he’s been gone for soon to be eighteen months…in some respects it feels like he’s quite near since I hear him preach every day. It’s wonderful, wonderful teaching. Not something that tickles my ears or builds up my self esteem. In fact there is many a time that I feel the strong conviction of the Holy Spirit when the Word of God is presented in a bold, non negotiable manner. It doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room…and when I measure my thoughts, words and actions against God’s Word…I realize I have ever so far to go. I’m even more grateful that I have the grace and forgiveness of Jesus Christ sacrificial death and resurrection resting upon me.

Through the study of God's Holy Word and through the teaching of His humble servants, Bible Study Fellowship, Chuck Obremski, Charles Stanley, Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore…God continues to work on my heart…and sanctifying me this side of heaven.

Some insights this week as I have a listening ear towards God. Now this will sound terrible coming from a Christian. But I struggle with comprehending or believing that God loves me. Loves me personally. I know what the Word of God says. Intellectually believe it…but it hasn’t worked its way into my heart. I know that “God so loved the world”…but have a hard time making the transition to “God so loved Susan”.

Having a hard time believing that God loves me personally makes it hard to trust God. I’m getting better…I’ve improved. But still have a ways to go…it’s a learning game. It's also faith...and I just need to make that leap and believe. Will I?

Also part of this week’s lesson was the realization that I work too hard because I substitute work for relationships. I wonder how much of that is out of insecurity. Feeling like I need to earn or prove my worth…by turning in a good performance. Without doing so…I’m not worthy or lovable. Not loveable to people or to God. So what has all that effort got me? Not a lot in the end.

Does that mean that starting tomorrow...I’ll become a slacker? No…that’s not going to happen. It’s not in my nature. However…I do hope that it will translate into a more balanced life. Work more on the personal side of life…and keep work in perspective.

I’ve got a long way to go…but thankfully God is not through with me just yet.

Tonight’s Friday night…and that means it’s time for “What Not to Wear”. Love that show. I watch it…and wonder “Now what would Stacy and Clinton have to say about what I’m wearing? What would Nick do with my hair?” Sometimes I think of folks I’d like to nominate for the show…but gee wiz…wouldn’t that be an insult if your friends nominated you? Yeah…that would be a bit awkward now, wouldn’t it?

What I found positively absurd was that if our company’s vice president had left the company…they would have filled that position lickety split. There would be no waffling or indecision for months on end. I’d be willing to bet they would have the job filled within the week. So as this drug on and on…it seemed even more and more ridiculous. That’s why every time the job posted again…I’d apply again. Every time…but to no avail. I’m talking…over nine months from when I first interviewed for the job. No one ever officially sent me a “no thanks” letter, nor did they call. That’s part of why I had such a hard time letting go of my dream.

I found it challenging to let go because it was hard to understand how years and years of good work and diligent effort amounted to nothing when it came to helping me earn the right to be given a shot. I had no doubt that I could do it and do it well. I know how I approach things…how I love to learn and master new challenges. But at the end of the day…my pleas fell on deaf ears, my track record was presented to eyes that failed to see and mouths were unwilling to speak.

I found it impossible to believe that it didn’t work out like I had hoped and dreamed. After all God had given me a promise…actually two scripture verses to cling on to. And cling I did. In the stormy seas of emotions…and in the dark of night…when the only support I felt was that of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. At times…even He felt very far away.

The first and primary scripture verse came from 2 Chronicles 20:17 –“You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

I clung to the verse…it graced the walls of my home and was ever present in my sight with a note taped to my computer. I have it as part of my e-mail signatures…and even made a bracelet with the words “Stand Firm See Lord’s Deliverance”.

Now I had no idea how God might answer that prayer…or exactly when. But God gave me the assurance that He indeed would be my deliverer. That I needed to stand firm and trust Him to work in my situation. There was many a day…that my stand was very wobbly. But when push came to shove…I stood. Looking expectantly to God and for what He alone would do.

As this New Year began…Pastor Bob Kraning preached a message in which he focused on the scripture verse from Joshua 3:5 - "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."

I believed that God had given me this verse to encourage my heart…and remind me that He was at work in my life…and I was to look to Him to be my Hope and my Deliverer.

I felt as if I was on my tippy toes, looking expectantly for what God would do and how He would answer my prayers and fulfill His promises to me.

In the intervening time…I embarked upon that which I had neglected for far too long…a lot of dental work…that took months to complete. God helped me to conquer a great fear in my life.

God also made clear to me…that for far too long I had put Him second place…as I had spent far too much time and effort at work. Instead I should have been investing my time elsewhere or at least in a more balance manner. During this time…I committed to responsibilities at my church and was grateful when Bible Study Fellowship started up again in the fall.

All this time…I was hopeful and expectantly looking for how God would answer my prayer. I could hardly wait. But wait was the order of the day.

My emotions were all over the board…sometimes strong…and at time I was struggling to trust God.

One of my biggest disappointments and what felt like a slap in the face was when the folks I had worked with for many, many years had their Christmas party…and I wasn’t invited. Ouch…now that hurt.

Since I’m a straight shooter…I had to ask why. While I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer…I would rather risk being hurt than not know the truth. When a straw poll had been taken the feedback from my former co-workers…the response was not receptive to having me at their party. That one hurt! Then on the heals of that…Christmas came…and I didn’t get a Christmas card or a Merry Christmas e-mail from one who had done so over the years. It kind of made me doubt the sincerity of everything that had gone before.

Was all that had happened before was done out of obligation…instead of what was genuine and heartfelt? Being that whatever I do…I put my heart into it…I was surprised.

When it became apparent that I wasn’t going to remain in loss prevention…but instead go into a job not of my own choosing…I had to cut those emotional ties. In order for me to focus on the new work and connect with the new people…I had to let go of the old. I guess I did so quite effectively…perhaps too much so.

So why am I going into all this, sharing and bearing my soul on something in which doesn’t shine a very good light on me? Share that I failed and share about rejection? Well I love the truth. God has given me words…that have become part of my healing process through the ups and downs of life.

Also…I finally got the news that they finally hired someone for the job I had wanted. Over nine months later…I got a courtesy call to let me know. In some respects I was relived. I could now say that chapter of my life was closed for good…once and for all it was dead. When God closes a door…it can not be opened.

But more important than that I want to answer those critics who might be sitting back and thinking or saying, “See your God let you down. He was not faithful to keep His promises to you Susan.”

To those persons…and even to myself…I answer most assuredly…that my God, my Lord and Savior has not deserted me, nor failed me. Indeed my God is faithful. He is not slow in keeping His promises…He accomplishes everything in His perfect timing.

When and how exactly God will finally bring me the deliverance that I still seek…I don’t know. But I do know…even as I sit here and failed to achieve that which I wanted, even if some think of me as a failure…I am standing firm and choosing to trust God. Even if my circumstances currently don’t give evidence to God’s faithfulness.

He has given me Himself during this time. He has been my Rock, my Fortress, and my Sustainer…my Ever Present Help in times of trouble.

And yes…I still stand on my tippy toes…and look expectantly for what God is going to do in my circumstances. I know and have every assurance that He will.

I am most grateful that God has provided me with a good job in the mean time. I am grateful that He has helped me during this difficult time and to know Him better. I am grateful that He knows my heart’s desire. I do desire to move into another job…but will trust God’s timing and plan. I deeply desire to be married…and try ever so to trust God with my desire. Albeit not so firmly at times…due to wobbly faith. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled makes a tree of life." - Proverbs 13:12

So it’s been a painful time…and hard time. But God has been able to use the pain for good. When people share with me their pain in their present circumstances…I know first hand how it feels to feel forsaken and alone. But I also know…how God remains ever faithful…and sustained me during that season.

Just like I know how unbearable physical pain can be following an episode of unrelenting pain from my wisdom teeth for over a month…I know what unrelenting emotional pain feels like. So now when people…share their hurts…I can honestly say I understand but offer the hope of standing firm and trusting God when circumstances and the ground around you crumbles to the sea.

That brings me to my life verse, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” – Romans 8:28.

So for those of you who think my hopes and dreams are dead…you are wrong. I am not discouraged…but ever hopeful in my God…my Lord…my Savior…my Deliverer.

Just as Lazarus was sick, died and lay three days in the tomb…the mourners did not know what Jesus would do. They didn’t foresee that He would come along as Lazarus body started to stink…and raise him from the dead. But Jesus is God…He is all powerful, all knowing and works everything for good and for His glory.

The last couple of days have been an intense crunch time…a time where we had to hit the mark and get it right the first time. I came away from this experience with the insight that crunch time reveals a person’s true character.

When you see a person that needs help…will you pause and lend a hand…or walk on by? Will stand behind that which you committed to…or go fishing for an excuse? Will you strive for excellence…or settle for a passing grade? Or worse yet…hope that they just don’t look under the rug? Do the words thank you come easily off your lips to praise and encourage another’s efforts…or do you turn a blind eye?

My dear beloved former Pastor Chuck Obremski…use to say that as a Christian…you’ll know what kind of fruit you are bearing when you are squeezed. What comes out when you are squeezed? While the impetuses may be different for a Christian…non believers also bear fruit.

It’s vitally important for Christians to be ever mindful that their actions will be held under the microscope by atheists and agnostics. They want to see if your life…actions, thoughts, words and deeds line up with that which you purport to believe.

It’s critically important that we be aware of that. May that truth motivate us to work with excellence. Our work and our lives are reflection not only of being a Christian…but of Christ Himself. And when we fail and fall as Christians…the non believer has another reason to note why living the Christian life makes no difference compared to the rest of the world.

When I see a fellow Christian…someone who has a genuine saving faith in Jesus Christ behave in a manner towards others that is blatantly un-Biblical…it pains me. Something that is none of my business…but I see and hear of the lasting impression that is being made.

Dear Christians… It’s vital that we as Christians regularly ask ourselves…do my actions, thoughts, words and deeds reflect Christ? Do I draw people to Christ or repeal them?

In some respects…we Christian’s have it easy. We have the pattern to hold ourselves up to. And when we fall short…it will be readily apparent. Whereas unbelievers…act according to their feelings or heart. The Bible tells us that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things. I don’t want my heart being the final arbiter of what’s right or wrong. I want a set standard and not one of my own making.

This last week I had an “ah ha” moment. Previously I’d written about how challenging it can be to be around folks who are negative or complaining a great deal of the time. It can be draining…and makes it hard for me to keep my focus on the positive side of life.

But when I had a recent encounter…I came away with two lessons for me to take away.

When someone is constantly complaining about their life…they must be very unhappy. Unhappy with their lives, their circumstances and even themselves. Now I can listen and try to be an encourager when someone is downcast. But when it’s more than a season of difficulty in a person’s life…that is more challenging to be around or listen to. It may be their personality or the way they view life…rather than a difficult season.

This time I had ears to listen…and what God impressed up me is that I truly need to be in prayer for them. Prayer about the difficulties and challenges that they are facing…and also that God would move in their heart and that peace and joy would prevail in their life. Of prime importance is prayer for their salvation if they don’t yet know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.

So when all I hear are complaints….and it’s difficult to hear it another moment longer that’s my reminder that I need to pray for them. It can be a quick moment of prayer right then and there…or daily prayers for them.

Secondly…hearing a person with a negative critical spirit serves as a reminder to me that I need to be thankful and express my gratitude to God for the many gifts He has given me in my life. Things as ordinary as a job or an apartment…often get overlooked because they are so ordinary and everyday. It’s easy to give thanks for the big things in my life. But it’s the little things that make up my everyday life that are so easy to take for granted. When they are absent…then by golly I quickly become aware how important the ordinary, everyday, practical gifts of life are.

So thank You God…thank You for giving me ears to hear. Please give me an obedient heart so that I might act upon that which You have revealed. And God…please help me to take time each day…to look, reflect and record those insights that You have given me. If for no other reason…so that I will remember and grow.

There is very little in life I find as ugly as cowardice. Especially when it comes from people who purport themselves to be leaders. That’s why I’ve joined with Hugh Hewitt and other conservatives who are contacting our Senators who are considering signing a resolution expressing non-confidence about sending additional forces to Iraq.

The Senate just confirmed General Petraeus 83 to 17 in the Senate. General Petraeus and Secretary Gates have stated that signing and backing any such resolution will only serve to embolden the enemy and put our soldiers at further risk.

Just this last week five American’s were killed…murdered…when their helicopter was shot down. This is a preview of coming attractions if the enemy smells the fear from our leaders, their lack of support for our military and confidence in their ability to win this war. Loosing is not an option. We must win. Be wise and be a 9/11 American…not a 9/10 American.

Please contact the Senators listed below by e-mail, fax or phone…or all three. Let them know your concerns if we as a nation fail to back our military. Take “The Pledge” and get a clear message to our Senators.

Senator McConnell: Phone: (202) 224-2541 Fax: (202) 224-2499E-mail here.

Senator Lott: Phone: 202-224-6253 Fax: (202)-224-2262 E-mail here.

Senator Kyl: Phone: (202) 224-4521 Fax: (202) 224-2207 E-mail here.

Senator Ensign: (202)-224-6244 Fax: 202-228-2193. E-mail here.

Senator McCain: Phone: (202)-224-2235 Fax (202)-228-2862. E-mail here.

Senator Warner: Phone: (202) 224-2023 Fax: (202) 224-6295. E-mail here.

Senator Cornyn: Phone:202-224-2934 Fax: 202-228-2856. E-mail here.

Senator Smith: Phone: 202-224-3752 Fax: 202-228-3997. E-mail here.

Senator Coleman: Phone: 202-224-5641 Fax: 202-224-1152.E-mail here.

At Kindred Community Church on Wednesday night one of our Elders, Dave Dunn teaches a Bible study. Dave is a wonderful Bible study teacher. His knowledge of the Bible, history and his heart for God help him to paint memorable pictures that remains with me each time I hear him teach. Sometimes listening to Dave teach…I feel like I could step right into the passage we are studying and be there. He makes the Bible come alive and the people of the Bible seem real, not just characters or names on a page…but real people.

For a couple of months now…we have been studying the book of Ezra. While I’ve read it before…it now means more to me as we’ve gleaned spiritual nuggets along the way.

Tonight’s passage was from chapter eight, verses 24-36. From this passage…the verse I want to remember and take with me is from verse 31b, “The hand of our God was on us, and he protected us from enemies and bandits along the way.” To always remember and never forget…that our God, my God is faithful…and He is good and He loves His own and provides for us.

But the verse that struck me was verse 31a, “On the twelfth day of the first month we set out from the Ahava Canal to go to Jerusalem.”.

Why that verse you might ask? Well when I read that…I started thinking about what we had studied earlier. When the call went out to the Jewish exiles living in Babylon…not everyone wanted to return to Jerusalem. Some had grown use to and were comfortable staying in Babylon. So instead of returning to Jerusalem…they chose to stay in the foreign pagan land of Babylon.

But what I really wonder about…was on that day that the Jews, about 8,000 in number, chose to set out and return to Jerusalem…what were the Jews thinking that remained in Babylon? After all the preparation leading up to their departure was quite visible as they assembled by the Ahava Canal. It was obvious that God’s hand and favor was with them…even moving through King Artaxerxes.

Were they relatively oblivious to the Jew’s leaving? Or were there any folks looking on with a feeling in the pit of their stomach realizing that they made the wrong choice. That they missed their shot to return to the land that God had given them? And now it was too late. Or was it too late? Would Ezra have accepted anyone who made a last minute decision that they wanted to return with the rest of the Jewish exiles?

I think of the phrase that Charles Stanley frequently uses. “I can choose to obey God and see what He will do, or I can not obey God and spend the rest of my life wondering what God would have done in my life.”

It seems like the daily obedience in life prepares me to be obedient to God in the big decisions. I must have a listening ear towards God…with a mind, will and spirit willing to obey. That means trusting God…even when things don’t seem to make sense…from a human perspective. Leaving room for a work of God…not always planning everything out according to my handiwork.

I think one of my biggest challenges is having a listening ear towards God. I fill my days to overflowing. I love Bible studies, church and meetings…and listening to podcasts from my favorite pastors. Goodness knows there is enough of the everyday chores to eat up any remaining time. I find it hard to just be still…and listen to God.

I think there is something patently different about reading God’s word...something I can actively do…than meditating on God’s word and waiting for God to speak. God doesn’t always do things quickly or on my time frame. It would also require me to choose to tune out some of the other distractions…some that are even quite worthy. I guess this is one that I will have to ask God to help me and guide me on.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10

What would my choice have been if I had been one of the Israelite exiles in Babylon? Would I have stayed in Babylon…or returned to Jerusalem?